Want To Trade Your Life For A Better Model?

Ever wanted to just walk away? I admit that the last few months have been difficult, and these thoughts have crossed my mind a few times. Hence, I have not written much. Being a mom of five boys has spirited ups and downs. Throw in special needs issues, and life is uncontrolled chaos filled with extreme joys and failures. Every minute step of success is short-lived because it is immediately followed by a new goal. That new goal promises hours of laborious attempts of repetitive actions or lessons which might be learned, even mastered. Yet, there is no guarantee. I won't mention the failures... I play a guessing game as to what is the next step to help my sons. At stake is the success or failure of my boys' lives--being able to live independently and fruitfully in every aspect life has to offer: spiritually, financially, emotionally, academically, and other --ally things I can't name right now. No pressure. My youngest three boys were diagnosed with autism about nine years ago. My second oldest had a speech delay which was diagnosed three years earlier. Never did I dream that my youngest four boys would have a disability. It's been a tough road. Along that road many people have offered words of encouragement, such as, "You'll be fine". "You're strong." "You can do it." "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Really? All of these expressions have their merit, but who in their right mind really believes that a mom who has no training in special needs can handle four special needs kids? Even if she can handle it for a while, is there a breaking point? When is "enough" enough? When is it time to take a break? When is it time to step back and say, "That is all I can do?" I wish I had the answers. Everyone has a different threshold. Everyone has "stuff" do muddle through. I have written about many of my autistic sons' successes. I have not written much about the younger, tougher years. I have not expressed many of the hardships to get to this point. Every so often a mom will ask, "How do you do it?" I try to smile, and I answer, "I don't." The mom might smile back or think I'm crazy. I will explain that I pray a lot. The boys' progress and my sanity are acts of faith. I am not always fine, and certainly not always strong. I have shed a tear or two. I will indulge in a "pity party". Then I pick myself up and go. I do have a loving husband, supportive parents, and wonderful friends. Nevertheless, they are not home with my boys 24/7. I can relay experiences, but only a parent of a special needs child could truly understand the cost, the unending sacrifice required. Every so often the car's gas tank needs to be filled; otherwise, the car won't go. Humans are no different, but it is not as easy as going to the gas station. Years of dealing with special needs issues have taken their toll on me. Other issues are also pressing. Life! I take life one moment at a time. Through prayer I cling to hope. Those are enough for now.