Our 21st Anniversary: For Better or For Worse

Exactly 21 years ago, Mike and I took our wedding vows. We were both 25. While we knew that these vows were serious, we never could have imagined what they entailed. I don't think anyone truly "understands" what marriage is, when stating those vows.

Mike and I had five years of marriage before our life with autism began. We then lived through six years of dealing with the symptoms before any of our children were diagnosed with autism. Then within six months, our youngest three were diagnosed with autism. Rather devastating.

Eight months later I was pregnant. I was scared that this next child would also have autism. How much could a mother endure? How much could the parents endure? The marriage? Unfortunately, I miscarried. Again the same questions. I found that as I grieved for our miscarried child, I also grieved for our other kids. Their lives were changed. So was ours.

One of the vows we took included the "for better or for worse". Autism fits both categories. Never did we think that our children would be diagnosed with disabilities. No one prepared us for the financial, emotional, and spiritual burden that specials needs kids bring. We learned via "on the job training".

We have gone through all the ups and downs together. The key has been acceptance. Simple as that sounds; marriage is about acceptance. We accept each other as we are; we accept our kids for who they are. We help each other to live to our greatest potential; we help our kids to live to their greatest potential as well.

To express the self sacrifice on both parts of wife and husband, well, it is impossible. It is just what we do. Our kids have demanded more and more from us, and we give and give. Sometimes, I don't think we have more strength, yet somehow it comes. I give much credit to the power of prayer that we've endured autism. Ultimately, it is because we love each other, that we give--to each other and our kids.

Here's to a Happy 21st Anniversary and many more.

It's All Relative!

So my niece was talking about the longevity of her relationship with her boyfriend. "We've been together for 19 months."

I thought I'd tease her. "Well, 19 months is a drop in the bucket compared to 20 years of marriage," I beamed.

Little did I know that my mother was behind me and laughed. "Well, 20 years is nothing compared to 50 years of marriage."

Moral of the story: there's always a bigger and better fish than you lurking... Be humble!

Marriage and Autism: It Is About Acceptance

A few weeks ago good friends of ours announced that they were getting a divorce. This news hit me hard. We've known them for years, and they seemed happy... This prompted me to ask my husband about his thoughts about their divorce. "Marriage is about acceptance, not compromise," Mike simply stated. "Compromise leads to giving in; consequently, negative feelings begin. Resentment grows until someone breaks."

Hold that thought.

There are conflicting ideas about divorce and married couples dealing with autistic children. When our boys were first diagnosed eight years ago, I read an article on that topic. It seemed that the divorce rate was about 52% if there was one autistic child in the family. That rate rose to about 90% if there were two autistic children. I stopped reading before I saw the divorce rate for a family with three or more autistic children. I did not want to know. At that time we had three autistic boys.

Back to that thought.

About five months ago a situation presented itself that would change our boys' daily schedule. After much discussion, I could see advantages and disadvantages to this new situation. I totally respected my husband's insight. I did not completely agree with him, but I was willing to try.

Compromise or acceptance? Not sure yet.

That new situation is now over, but not without some weariness along the way. WHEW. Upon reflection, one of our autistic sons is thriving in a way that I could not imagine. Nick has connected socially with more people, and that is not bad for him. Had we kept to our original schedule, he would not have developed these skills as quickly. There were definitely negative aspects, but I think that these social skills will outweigh any negativity in the long run.

I have to admit that I had compromised. Could I have ever accepted that new situation? I don't know. At this point, I don't think it matters. What does matter is that Mike and I were able to respect each other in our differing opinions, recognize when we (really, when I) needed space, and listen when we needed to talk. Sometimes we missed cues about each other during the last five months. We're not perfect. However, we are in this together. We have accepted that, and we are looking forward to the new opportunities for the boys.

In a way, I can equate acceptance with love.

photo credit:apdk