What Are You Going To Do When Mom Is Dead?

Cameron took this pic last summer.

That was the question posed by Ryan to his younger brothers!  Within that question, Ryan touched on an aspect of life for all of us:  facing my own mortality through the eyes of my children.

For any parent of a special needs child, the thought of how his or her child will survive is a constant thought and concern.  For me, this has become more of a reality.  I face surgery again for the second time in six months to remove a tumor.  The first tumor was benign, and I hope it is again.  NOT that anyone has indicated that this tumor is life threatening, but leave it to a teen with autism to reduce life to the basics!

My husband and I have tried to raise our children to be independent, knowing right from wrong, enabling them to make good choices, and living without fear.  Well, we haven't finished the job, and I want/need more time with my boys.  (Don't we all?)

So back to Ryan.  He questioned his brothers because they weren't doing their part to help with dinner.  They had also asked questions that bothered Ryan, questions about who had to do what when.  He got exasperated, and blurted out the question, "What are you going to do when Mom is dead?"  He continued, "You're going to have to do it yourself."

I was within ear shot, but I didn't say anything.  I wanted to observe how the younger two boys reacted.  I couldn't see their faces.  They must have been momentarily stunned.  Ryan did not relent.  His face continued to ask the question!  The younger brothers kicked into action.  No longer did they stall.  Instead of asking the questions, they volunteered to do the tasks. Within a few minutes, everything for dinner was done.

This is not the first time that Ryan has asked his brothers this question.  Ryan has become aware of my daily routine since he has graduated from high school.  Within the last six months, Ryan has matured greatly.  I've heard him say, "I better step up," when he sees me get behind.

Ryan is growing up, and he is becoming quite aware of others outside his world.  For any young adult with autism, that is an accomplishment.  For a mom worried about the future of her kids, that is a great comfort!

This brings a sense of peace!

The Path After Graduation Began...

The first step to getting Ryan on "a path" was to tell him that he can't stay in our house and do nothing. This was in response to a comment he made a couple summers ago about wanting to be independent without responsibility. That is just not going to happen.

Mike and I told Ryan that he needs to make some goals, and he needs to be doing something constructive.  Otherwise, I am going to continue “strongly guiding” him on what to do--or arrange for him to be doing things—which may not be to his liking. Our focus is to find a trade or career path that "zing" that Ryan will enjoy and can be financially independent.

Ryan's big priority is his book, so I have tried to relate everything and anything towards that. Currently, Ryan is taking introductory computer classes at the local community college.  The reasons for these classes are twofold:  to see if Ryan can handle collegiate level classes and to help develop computer skills for potential employment.

I’m taking these classes simultaneously with Ryan.  We don’t sit next to each other; keeping our mutual independence is vital.  However, Ryan is enjoying the experience of tutoring me.  He has called me “entertaining” a few times, because I just “don’t get it”.  Obviously, he “gets it” with ease.

The photo finishing class is an attempt to open a door to a trade. I wrote how this came about in an earlier blog entry.  This class will offer an opportunity to Ryan if he wants to illustrate his book in the future. The teachers were impressed with his computer skills, so they think he'll learn the material quickly.

Ryan is also on this kick of anything related to Japan.  He likes the antiquity and culture.  An former coworker of mine used to live in Japan. She is teaching him--very much home schooling style.

Within the last several weeks, Ryan has committed to writing five pages a day for his book. That is a chapter a week. He is really proud of maintaining that, and we encourage it.  We push the other items too. 

Always trying to keep a balance!

Guiding A Young Adult With Autism

“Six month ago, I was (somewhat) concerned about my 19 yr old, that once graduated, he'd have nothing to do. Well, 3 computer classes (and tutoring me in those), photofinishing classes, Japanese classes, writing his book... and now he wants to resume martial arts. AND yeah, this is a young adult with autism!!! I'm in AWE. (he's doing well thus far!)”

I posted that “status” yesterday on Facebook.  It’s a very positive statement.  Sounds successful too.  And it is.  However, this “status” is a step along an unknown road.  What I didn’t write is how Ryan arrived at this point.  The steps were many.  Sometimes painful.  Never easy.

Tomorrow I’ll try to outline the reality of steps we traveled.  One must keep in mind that Ryan is not alone on this path, although now he is in much more control.  That is mixed blessing!  

As parents, we face this is a strange, new road:  a young adult with autism.

Autism Conference and Ryan

A few weeks ago Ryan was invited to give a presentation at an upcoming autism conference.  To my surprise, he accepted!  For a kid who didn't talk until he was 5 and has never really liked talking, this is HUGE.  Ryan will be part of a panel of young adults with autism.  They will speak individually about their lives with autism, and then they can focus on some aspect, whether it's their future, their education, or their outlook on life.

Last week we met with the coach and monitor of this panel.  Ryan was not comfortable at first, but he answered all of her questions.  He showed her how he'd use a microphone.  Basically, they covered the ground rules and expectations.  He said he understood everything.

In the last week I've had to push him to finish his presentation with slides.  He kept procrastinating, saying he'd work on it "tomorrow".  Finally on Tuesday, I said he needed to finish it, so he could practice his presentation with the slides.  I love how there is always tomorrow...

On Wednesday he gave his presentation to his grandparents.  They were quite happy!  Ryan spoke clearly and slowly.  Very deliberately.

I can't wait until tomorrow.