Christmas: Meshing the Secular with the Spiritual

How does a “Good Catholic” rectify celebrating Christmas with The Nativity and Santa Claus?  My answer is simple:  Easy... after years of practice! 

My dad calls Santa Claus the Father of Socialism:  a kid gets something for nothing and that is a bad lesson for anyone, let alone kids.  My cousin claims that Santa is Satan in disguise.  He represents greed and materialism.  My response is no; Santa is the opposite.  He is a saint.  He gives and expects nothing in return.

I can see how some people do not understand how we give our children presents from Santa, yet we profess that Christmas is about the birth of Christ.  My husband is agnostic, and three of my five boys have autism.  I have to mix my spiritual beliefs with a secular outlook in order to include all of my family members.

When asked years ago, my husband said that celebrating Christmas is the right thing to do.  He grew up associating family with Christmas, and it was always celebrated, but I needed to ensure that my boys understood the true meaning of Christmas.   I taught my boys what Christmas is—the birthday of Christ.  We incorporated the simplest rituals of a birthday:  baking a cake, singing Happy Birthday, and giving of presents. 

We then delved into who was Santa.  Our boys learned the history of Santa, who was based on St. Nicholas. He was a Greek bishop back in the fourth century who lived in Asia Minor.  My boys learned the legend of St Nick’s gifts as a dowry for three daughters so they could be married.  However, I emphasized that he brought gifts, without thought of receiving anything in return.

One of my favorite ornaments is St. Nick bowing before the Christ Child.  This image clarifies everything:  Christ is the focus.  His birth, life, death, and resurrection is why we celebrate Christmas, and St. Nick lived his life as a Christian, witnessing the life of Christ.

As a family, we do much more to celebrate the birth of Christ.  We celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas because the season begins on December 25, not ends.  We add the Christ Child to our Nativity Scene on December 25 and leave it up until January 6.

It all comes down to Christ.  He brings us together.  He is why we celebrate. He is why St Nick brings us gifts.

Cameron's First Job

Celebrating Cameron's new job

Cameron got hired on the spot!!

Whoop Whoop!!

He cleaned up, put on a tie, and went to the mall.  He filled out the application, and interviewed.  Bam, hired.  Nice!!

Sounds easy, but Cam put in a lot of work prior to getting hired.  He scoured the internet looking for companies hiring.  He found one interviewing that day, so off he went.  However, Cameron had been looking for a job since school got out last May.  He has filled out several applications and interviewed a couple times.  All results were negative.  Quite often, he received a form letter, rejecting him because of his age.  He is not 18.  Sometimes, he didn't get any notice at all.  Frustrating.

Rejection is not easy for anyone.  I have to admire Cameron for not giving up.  I know he applied to at least 20 companies before getting hired.  He did get frustrated at times, but ultimately, he kept applying.  I am glad he got the job, but he learned persistence.  That is better than the job!

Nick Transitions To College

Nick has completed six weeks of college.  He is enrolled in a reading class and a math class.  The reading is a "zero" level to help him adjust to collegiate level.  His math class is a 100 level.  Although his math placement test two years ago put him at a much lower level, this year he tested to place exactly where he wanted to be.

This is a huge step for Nick.  We prepared as we normally do whenever he goes somewhere new.  We found his classrooms and other important places on campuses.  His classes are on two different campuses.  We found his classrooms, bathrooms, tutoring, coffee shop, and places to hang out.  We did "dress rehearsals" to ensure that he could find his way from the parking lot to the classes.

While doing this, Nick met up with some old friends from high school.  That was a wonderful suprise, and very important to Nick.  He's doing things that his peers are.  Seeing and conversing with them on campus gave Nick a boost of confidence, making the transition to college easier.

Go Nick!

Snooze or Do

Every morning, I wake up with two choices:  go back to “snooze” or get up to “do”.  Lately, I’ve been getting up earlier than usual.  Understand that I am not a morning person.  It is much easier for me to stay up until 3 am than to get up at 3 am.  However, those early moments of precious silence are critical for my own peace of mind. I can pay a few bills or plan dinner.  I can pray or exercise. I accomplish something before the gang gets up.

Getting up earlier than necessary is crazy to some, but every so often, that may be the only time moms get to be by themselves.  It is worth assessing if that might be helpful.  Of course, it does not have to happen daily, but once in a while, it can actually be a well deserved treat.

Ryan Turns 22

Ryan celebrates 22 years today.  What a young man he has become!

He has been living on his own for almost 18 months now.  We're still working on some life skills, but he does have some success living in his own apartment.  He is currently looking for a job to get him financially independent.  Consequently,he's learning to interview and has to speak about himself.  That is no easy task.  His want for earning his own keep is motivation to talk.  Yea.

So while the age of 22 brings no "milestone" that society would recognize, we are absolutely aware of Ryan's 22nd year and living on his own.

Congrats, Ryan.  We are proud of you!

Dean and Uncles

Uncle Ryan and Uncle Nick take turns holding their nephew, Dean.  Having little ones around helps to bring out both the uncles. They don't have to worry about miscommunication. All three can communicate without words. The lack of verbal communication eases Ryan and Nick's existence, and smiles abound.

I have learned over the years to never underestimate silent communication. I find that it is more valuable than the spoken word. There is truth in the expression of a picture is worth a thousand words. Ryan rarely smiles, always guarding himself. 

I am amazed what an influence my grandson has on his uncles. Joy!

Happy 4th!

Several weeks back, Cameron, Nicholas, and I met up with my oldest sister's classmate, William DeLuna.  He captains a fleet of boats.  He gave us a first class tour of the harbor and beyond.  The boys had never been sailing out in open water, so this was an adventure.  It did not take long for the boys to feel at home, and they dared to ask to steer the vessel.  The good captain agreed, and he was quite impressed with their navigation skills.  He exclaimed, "They're naturals!"  No sea-sickness.  No squeamish stomachs.  Just a lot of fun!

I do have to give Captain Bill DeLuna kudos for taking us.  I advised him ahead of time of their history with autism, and that I had no idea how the boys would react,  Nick had severe sensory issues, and his communication could still be hampered at times.  Cameron had similar concerns, but no lack of communication.  The  Captain had no problems telling them what was permitted and what was not.  He went through the safety drill and rules.  Then the fun commenced.

We saw several dolphins, and we hoped for a whale or two.  The boys were thrilled to climb all over the boat and watch the sails go up and down.  They even had to dodge the sails a few times.  No one had to yell, "Man overboard," so I was happy.

I was totally surprised that Nick and Cam took so easily to the ocean.  They felt at ease and thoroughly enjoyed the trip.  Incredible!

Going Out--Wow

Ryan, Nick, Cam

Last October my youngest three boys were invited to their first formal event, a friend's quinceañera.  Yes, they've been to family weddings and other special occasions, but this invitation came from a friend, not family.  Talk about reactions:  one son was quiet, probably worried that he might have to talk with someone; another was excited because he loved to talk and dance; the third just smiled.

I coached each one as needed.  I gave one son some questions to ask if he felt uncomfortable around people.  The next I gave guidelines on staying on a given subject.  The third just smiled.  We also researched the event online, so they would know what to expect.  We went through the history as well as the rituals of the event.  They were prepared.

Ryan, Nick, and Cam dressed up and let me take pictures.  This was not common, and I could not believe my eyes.  My boys were not my little babies.  It just really hit me that they'll be out in the world more and more.

The evening was a blast.  I wish more people could have seen them.  Too often, many are uncomfortable around autistic kids. My kids acted like everyone else. They laughed and danced, enjoying the festivities.  They were fine!

Hamburgers Vs French Fries

Cameron

Nick, Cameron, and I spent a few days in Tucson.  We found a restaurant that offered gluten free breads and buns as well as grass fed beef; foods we consume at home.  Awesome!  I didn't have to cook.  They did not hesitate to order hamburgers, and they were happy about not having to get a lettuce wrap.  It was a TRUE hamburger!

Nick's plate:  no fries

In the middle of dinner, I noticed how these boys attacked their food.  I laughed at how similar and different they were.  They both ordered hamburgers, but what they ate first differed.  Neither opted to sample the other food item on his plate until the first item was completely consumed.  NO mixing foods!  If you know Nick, fries are always the first to go!  For Cam, the burger was serious business!

Cam's plate:  no hamburger

In the end, it did not matter what was eaten first.  Teen boys ate everything on their plates. Just a simple dinner out, but how I love just spending time with my boys!

Ryan's Done With Training; Now A Professional

Ryan has finished lots this last school year.  He has finished Part I of his coffee internship.  He has also finished three years of training at RMG Imaging Artists.  He has grown so much as a result of these programs.

Ryan has professional skills that can now help him lead an independent life.  He has products for sale, and that number of products will increase as the year continues. Here's a link to his online market: http://www.shop.rmgia.com/sellers/ryan-johnson/products/ 

The coffee internship has helped Ryan develop customer service.  Now he is much more confident greeting and talking with people.  Ryan is now working on the second part of the internship:  interview skills.

All these steps are literally that: steps on the road of Ryan's life!

Our Children: Problems or Problem Solvers

How much time do we waste striving for perfection?  Will we ever learn that perfection will always elude us?  However, we should still aim to improve.  What a balance!!  We need to challenge ourselves, but we also need to know when to stop.

When it comes to our children, we often push for the better time in a race, a better grade on a test, or better performance on that instrument.  While all those goals are worthy, we need to consider the sacrifice.  Is something else being neglected?  Is our push towards greatness increasing character in a positive way, or is it crushing our children's spirit?

I have three children with autism.  For years, they have had therapies focusing on their weaknesses. My kids need to do this or say that.  Painful hours.  At some point, I had to think outside the box.  My kids may never be able to do things that neuro-typical kids can do, so why are we, the therapists, doctors, teachers, and family all focused on pushing for those "normal" goals?  We should be looking at different solutions that my boys can use to accomplish those goals.  What I mean is my boys may achieve the "normal" goal in an unusual or unorthodox way.

 I looked at my sons' strengths and found many.  I changed how their therapies were done.  We focused on what they could do to help what they couldn't do.  Their worlds changed overnight.  Suddenly, they were happy.  They could accomplish tasks.  They were smart.  They could do things!

Simply by changing focus of what they can't do to what they can do made a huge difference.  No longer were my boys "incapable" or disabled.  They just solved problems differently than others.  They were now seen as problem solvers vs problems.  Big difference.

Our children can surprise us.  Capitalize on what they can do, and see just what else opens up!  Our children will see themselves as doers.  Our children can become self-reliant, a skill necessary for adulthood.

Whether our children have disabilities or not, our children all have the same goals of being loved, accepted, and successful.  How we see them and what we tell them matters.  If we constantly criticize, our children will learn to criticize.  We need balance.  Of course, we need to correct wrong doing, but we need to celebrate right doing.

Just how often do we parents celebrate that?  We need to celebrate the positive more than correcting the negative.

Beneficial Beans: What Is It?

Beneficial Beans is a fully functional coffee house located in a library.  The main purpose of Beneficial Beans is train and provide employable skills for adults on the autism spectrum.  It works in conjunction with SARRC (Southwest Autism Research & Resource Center) in Phoenix.

To learn more about Beneficial Beans or SARRC, click on the link below.

http://www.autismcenter.org/beneficial-beans%C2%AE-caf%C3%A9

Ryan's Reveling in Coffee

Ryan and Aaron

Today is Ryan's third day on the job at Beneficial Beans.  He is greeting customers, filling orders, handling moneys, receiving instruction, and he is happy.

His coach, Aaron, works side-by-side Ryan, teaching him the ins and outs of the coffee beverage process.  Aaron has an easy-going spirit as he instructs Ryan.  Yet, Aaron still maintains the integrity and standards of the business.  What a great combination for a working environment, especially for autistic adults:  structure within a relaxed setting.

Ryan's New Internship: Communication Via Coffee

Imagine having to think of the word, "Hi," and then say it.  Imagine forcing yourself to smile to greet someone.  Imagine remembering to focus your eyes to meet another person's eyes.  Imagine processing all these actions simultaneously.  THEN, imagine preparing yourself to process what the other person will say or do.

For most of us, this is a simple process.  With autism, it is a check list:  how to greet someone!

Yesterday, Ryan started a 12 week internship at a coffee shop specifically designed to train adults with autism.  It is called Beneficial Beans.  Through this internship, Ryan will learn how to make sophisticated coffee drinks, but that is simply a means to teach him about communication, interaction, customer service, etc.  People skills.

Ryan can talk.  In fact, he can be quite articulate.  Other times, he can isolate himself in a crowd and be at peace in his own world.  Like most in the autism realm, connecting with people can be a challenge, let alone mentally exhausting.

My hope is that Ryan will be more at ease when conversing with other people.  That may sound simplistic, but with autism, no encounter with another person is easy.  Maybe, Ryan might even come to enjoy other people's company.

Imagine your son wanting to share his ideas, dreams, goals.  I can't wait to hear what Ryan thinks!  As of now, I can only imagine...

Lord, Please Give Me Coffee or Give Me Wine

I love this quip (see photo). I use it as part of my "signature" in all my emails.

Of course, it’s a spin off the Serenity Prayer, but I much prefer this adaptation.  It’s much more applicable in my life.  I drink coffee.  I drink wine.  I drink coffee to be alert and DO.  I drink wine to chill and RELAX.  I know I’m not alone.  I know many moms, especially moms of special needs kiddos who rely on this mantra.

With kids, every mom has a daily to-do list.  If you homeschool, that list is even longer.  I have autistic teens.  My list, well, I’ve learned to call it a wish list.  No matter how I plan, life just throws a curve ball, and I have to adjust.  Sometimes, my kids don’t understand an assignment which I thought would take little time to accomplish.  Other times, I get a call from a therapist, doctor, or Mr. WhoknowsWho, and wham, I have to deal with THIS situation right away.  Of course, THIS situation blows up my to-do list.  Hence, now it;s a wish list.  Maybe I'll get to it...

What am I going to do?  Complain?  Probably.  Will it help?  No.

Sigh.  That’s when I ask, “Dear Lord, what do you want me to do?”  I have to admit it is more fun to pray “Lord, give me more coffee to change what I can change, and wine to accept what I can’t.”  However, it is actually helpful to hold a cup of coffee to slow me down to think of what I should do.  It helps to hold a glass of wine to reflect on what I need to accept. Obviously, I don’t do this ALL the time, but the idea still holds.

SO, I have learned to have a plan and be flexible. I have to remember that the Good Lord is in charge, and what I thought was important may not be so important.  I pray that God will give me what I need and when I need it.  It may be simply more coffee or more wine, depending on the case.  Maybe it will be just a moment of silence to distinguish His will, and that is enough.

Dean's Debut

My grandson, Dean, was born this morning. He is 21 inches and 8 pounds.  Good size; healthy boy.  Yet, I cringe.  With a new life, there are so many dreams.  No one wants to think of disabilities and shortfalls.  However, I have to admit I am concerned about a lurking disability in his future.  I have talked with my son about potential dangers that could trigger issues, but "it" is still an unknown.  Since our sons' lineage showed no inherited disabilities, we had very little concern, but BAM, four of our boys were hit.  Stuart had a speech delay and speech impairment.  Will his son have the same?

Of course, I'm not bringing this up to anyone at this time, but it is a thought in the back of my mind.  I am not the parent.  I really can do nothing but watch.  I can coach my son.  Maybe give advice if he asks, but I can take no action.

After four boys with special needs issues and constantly in active mode, this is different for me--being quiet in the background. I've learned to speak up and quickly.  Sometimes loudly.  Often repetitively.  I could be in the doc's office or school meeting.  The squeaky wheel gets oiled!  If I spoke up, gently but assertively, my boys usually received what they needed.  Being quiet usually yields nothing.

For now, we enjoy the birth of our first grandson, and quietly I will have to rely on a little bible verse: Matt 6:  33-34.  33"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.

No More IEP Meetings!

Today Mike and I attended our last IEP meeting. Yippee!  I counted 47 IEP meetings, at least, since 1997.  Two of our younger four boys had varying disabilities, ranging from speech impairment to autism.  Both of them, Stuart and Cameron, have sufficiently progressed to function as neuro-typical kids!  The other two, Ryan and Nick, still have autism, but their progress is no less remarkable!

So what is an IEP?  Basically, it's a written contract in which educational goals are written for the individual with special needs.  Its focus is to educate the individual person, geared towards the issues and abilities of said person.  IEP stands for individual educational program.

These meetings can be stressful and grueling, or they can be uplifting and reassuring. HA.  They are usually grueling.

The participants are comprised of teachers, a psychologist, therapists, parents, and student, called the TEAM. Frequently, the school staff discuss the goals of the student before the meeting, though I don't think anyone would really admit to that.  When the meeting commences, the goals are already written.  If the parents agree with those goals, there is no problem.  If the parent disagrees, then PROBLEM.  It can become a battle or a downright WAR.

Sometimes our meetings would last three hours, and we'd have to postpone any conclusion.  Those were horrific.  Our child's needs were not being addressed appropriately, and as parents, we had to ensure they were.

And the paperwork!  I have four binders full.

Over the years, I learned that certain vocabulary terms were necessary to get what my child needed.  Also, what one school could do was different from what another school could do, even in the same district.  Some special ed classes were offered only at select schools.  The staff, depending how dedicated to the student, may or may not want to implement other goals.

Quite often, I felt like an intruder rather than a team member.  I always had someone else accompany if possible.  Whether it was my husband or father, having an advocate helped streamline the meeting.

Not all meetings were terrible.  Some could be pleasant, especially if I knew the staff.  Getting to know the principal, secretary, and teachers helped to get my children what they needed.  I volunteered a lot.  That made a huge difference, and my boys prospered.

So with this last IEP, all my boys are moving toward adulthood.  As they transition into the "real" world, my life also adjusts.  There are no contracts with employers or colleges.  I am concerned how my boys will progress, but as always, it's one day at a time.  Seeing how they have succeeded thus far, I am confident they will find their way, and I will find mine.

GOOD BYE, IEPs!

Cameron's Capers

My youngest has sprouted in the blink of an eye.  It seems as if it were yesterday when we were teaching him how to walk and talk--for the second time.

Cameron experienced a traumatic reaction to the MMR shot, rendering him having to relearn everything.  He also had to overcome issues that did not exist previously.  He became self abusive, and well, there's quite a history, of which I have written previously in earlier entries.

I now look at my son, who was diagnosed at age 2 with autism.  He is now a young man, learning to drive, going to formals, attending honors classes, and looking towards a promising future.  I never take for granted his progress.  I am grateful.  His endurance and strength give many others hope.

Cameron does not remember those tough years.  I remind him occasionally.  He needs to know how severe he was, so he can appreciate where he's going.  I hope to teach him compassion for others as well.  Sometimes, when a person overcomes weaknesses, that person has a difficult time being patient with others who suffer that particular weakness.

I've watched Cameron mature and grow.  I'm impressed with his quiet demeanor and sometimes laugh at his subtle sarcasm.  He's a force to be reckon, so he still needs guidance, as a young man should.