Our Children: Problems or Problem Solvers

How much time do we waste striving for perfection?  Will we ever learn that perfection will always elude us?  However, we should still aim to improve.  What a balance!!  We need to challenge ourselves, but we also need to know when to stop.

When it comes to our children, we often push for the better time in a race, a better grade on a test, or better performance on that instrument.  While all those goals are worthy, we need to consider the sacrifice.  Is something else being neglected?  Is our push towards greatness increasing character in a positive way, or is it crushing our children's spirit?

I have three children with autism.  For years, they have had therapies focusing on their weaknesses. My kids need to do this or say that.  Painful hours.  At some point, I had to think outside the box.  My kids may never be able to do things that neuro-typical kids can do, so why are we, the therapists, doctors, teachers, and family all focused on pushing for those "normal" goals?  We should be looking at different solutions that my boys can use to accomplish those goals.  What I mean is my boys may achieve the "normal" goal in an unusual or unorthodox way.

 I looked at my sons' strengths and found many.  I changed how their therapies were done.  We focused on what they could do to help what they couldn't do.  Their worlds changed overnight.  Suddenly, they were happy.  They could accomplish tasks.  They were smart.  They could do things!

Simply by changing focus of what they can't do to what they can do made a huge difference.  No longer were my boys "incapable" or disabled.  They just solved problems differently than others.  They were now seen as problem solvers vs problems.  Big difference.

Our children can surprise us.  Capitalize on what they can do, and see just what else opens up!  Our children will see themselves as doers.  Our children can become self-reliant, a skill necessary for adulthood.

Whether our children have disabilities or not, our children all have the same goals of being loved, accepted, and successful.  How we see them and what we tell them matters.  If we constantly criticize, our children will learn to criticize.  We need balance.  Of course, we need to correct wrong doing, but we need to celebrate right doing.

Just how often do we parents celebrate that?  We need to celebrate the positive more than correcting the negative.

Three Teenagers--And Then There Were Two!

Nick, Cam, Ryan

Today is the last day I will have three teenagers in my home.  Tomorrow Ryan turns 20.  Talk about him growing up within the blink of the eye, but then I think of all the tears and joys along the way of his 20 years.  Quite a life he has lived so far.

For the first couple of years of his life, Ryan was fearless.  He knew no boundaries.  It was scary.  He met all his milestones early, such as walking when he was nine months.  As he developed sensory issues, he lost communication skills.  We went to doctors and specialists for several years.  He was diagnosed with several ABCs, 123s, meaning PDD-NOS, ADD, OCD, and speech delay.  Ultimately he was seven when he was diagnosed with autism.  His brothers were diagnosed the same year with autism too.

Our world was rocked.  We brought in lots of therapists to work with them.  None of the boys liked strangers.  Until Meredith.  The boys took to her.  Ryan was the fastest to respond because he liked her baby.  Meredith and Baby brought Ryan out of his world.  We loved her immediately.  She also worked well with Nick and Cam, but most people had the hardest time establishing a rapport with Ryan.  Unfortunately, Meredith moved, and Ryan had to adapt.  That didn't work so well, but that relationship showed us that Ryan could connect with people outside the family. That was 12 years ago.

Ryan showing Dad his photos

Ryan has had many therapists since, and he has moved beyond what any doctors thought possible.  He continues to grow beyond our initial hopes after the diagnosis.  In fact, he finding his way in the world slower than his peers, but he is succeeding.  For example, we have been surprised by his maturity in the last year, especially as illustrated in his photo shop class.  He was quiet and shy, and now he is assisting beginners.

I can't wait to see what this decade will bring Ryan!

Second photo credit:  RMG Imaging Artists

Going Under The Knife Again

No one likes finding a lump where it doesn't belong.  No one likes hearing the word "tumor" from a doctor.  No one likes a encore performance of a tumor either.  I am no exception.

Within less than three months of having the tumor removed, I noticed the lump had returned.  Like I didn't have enough fun the first go round.  I like roller coasters--real roller coasters.  I'm not much of a fan of emotional roller coasters.  I have enough of those with being a parent of teenage boys with autism.

After having to fight to get my medical records from the doc who performed the first surgery, the idea of searching for a new doc was exhausting.  I procrastinated.  Not a good idea when dealing with a tumor.  However, I just couldn't pursue it.  I was emotionally dead to it.  There was so much already going on with my sons' government agencies battling issues out, that summoning the required positive frame of mind was impossible.

Trying to explain this to people was futile.  They heard "tumor", and they expected me to move on it quickly.  I got lots of advice, to look for this, that, and the other.  "Good to know," I chimed out with a smile.  Nothing like extra pressure.

About the only thing I could do was ask people for referrals of a good surgeon.  Over a few weeks, I gathered several names.  I researched the backgrounds of the docs.  I narrowed the list down to three.  Then the list sat on my desk.

Last week, my mother visited me.  We discussed the doctors, and she wanted to know if I had called.  Unfortunately, I shook my head.  My mom was not impressed.  I tried to explain why, but that wasn't going anywhere.  My mom was a nurse for a gazillion years, and needed medical attention is not to be postponed when she is around.

She dialed the doctor whom she liked, and set the ground work in motion.  Then she handed the phone to me.  I had an appointment within 48 hours.  I met the doctor.  Within a few minutes of meeting him, he called in a second doc.  They spoke and debated my case.  I never had a second opinion so fast.  Before I knew it, I was scheduled for another surgery and understood the procedures and possible scenarios.

My procrastination seemed stupid at this point. I am at peace with the forthcoming procedure.  Still, I'd rather not undergo another surgery.  Risks persist, no matter how good the doc and technology get.

Of course, I also think about how much I have to do to keep up with my sons.  Their needs don't stop.  Even if I can't move.  Phone calls, records, therapies continue.  Urg.  I'm trading one roller coaster for another.  Now I simply wait until I'm healed to ride a real roller coaster.  Yippee!!

Photo credit:http://www.flickr.com/photos/dhedwards/

Tumor: Stressed Induced?

I received the call from the doc's office on Thursday afternoon with the lab test results.  The tumor was benign.  YEA.  Ok.  Many questions remain unanswered.  How could this tennis ball size tumor remain hidden for 5 years?  What caused the tumor in the first place?  Could it have been prevented?  These all lead to this question:  Am I taking care of myself?

I highly suspect this tumor is the result of stress. It was growing over muscles that are constantly tight whenever I am stressed.  And when am I not stressed?  When is any mom not stressed?  By nature of motherhood, something always requires attention.

Then add on special needs kids.  Therapies, diets, agencies, doctors all demand attention, but the children themselves are the priority.  And don't forget the marriage.  The spouses try to squeeze in a few minutes of communication here and there!

I have had some people ask me when I get down time.  HAHAHA.  They usually figure out that there is no such thing for me.  Even if I am sitting, my thoughts don't stop.  When I sleep, I often wake up, processing information because I can finally think without being interrupted.

Am I stressed?  Yep.  Some doctors have told me that I need to remove whatever causes stress.  Well, unless I can walk away from life, I don't think I'll remove it all.  This will be a work in progress.  Of course, I am much more aware of how stress can impede my health...