Battle of the Cardboard Swords

After wrapping presents, the cardboard "swords" always tempt the boys to play.  As they have gotten older, nothing has changed.

Two cardboard rolls awaited them.

Cameron and Nick picked them up and dueled in the unspoken challenge.

They took turns charging, hitting, and retreating.  Then Nick took a swing.  Cam lost most of his sword.  In utter disbelief, Cam tried to piece it back together.  Nick smiled victoriously.  Cam acknowledged his defeat.

Sometimes the silliest thing are the best!

Expectations, Interpretations,and Assumptions

As we prepared for Christmas, I asked my youngest, 15 year old Cameron, to help me wrap presents.  I asked him to get the tape.  He came back with duct tape.  He then proceeded to "wrap" presents with the duct tape.  He even put a bow on one.  He thoughtfully marked who the presents were for with a permanent marker.  Very efficient and expedient.

Living with all males in the house, I forget that their interpretations of words might be different than mine.  Through my experience, whenever tape was mentioned, I didn't hesitate to get the scotch tape, so why would my son's be any different?  I assumed he would know.  However, his experience with tape has been duct tape, because duct tape fixes EVERYTHING.  His dad has taught him well.

Although my expectation was not met with what I assumed Cameron would get, I was happy.  He interpreted my words and did as I asked.  His version of wrapping resulted in a much different look than my version.  That's ok.  He helped, and we had fun wrapping in our own style.

As we gave family members their presents, they got a good laugh.  It all added to the celebration of Christmas.

Water Rafting in Alaska

While we were in Alaska, we actually did activities together.  One was water rafting.  Water was a balmy 37 degrees (F).  As the ice glaciers melt, the water gets COLDER during the summer.  No, Mike did not consult me on the water temperature.  I've always liked water rafting during the summer, so why should this be different?  Ahh, maybe the water would be cold??  It was!!  However, it was worth it.  The scenery was breathtaking.  Beautiful sunshine.  (Some) snow on the mountains.  Crystal clear rivers.

We also got a professional portrait of ourselves done on board the ship.  Mike said we should do things that we don't normally do.  So, here is our official 25th anniversary photo together!

25th Anniversary Get Away

For the first time since the boys were diagnosed with autism, Mike and I took an extended vacation. Fourteen days of just us!

Mike did all the planning.  He attended to all the details, even flowers, chocolates, and champagne.  We cruised the Alaskan shores and partook in many inland excursions.

Scenery, adventure, and wild life abounded around us. We even got to trap crab. Yum! We ate a ton of crab for lunch. 

Mike even participated in one of the cruise shows- a cooking contest.  He took second place!  I just had to show up.  The cruise truly celebrated 25 wonderful years of marriage!

Writing With "Punch"

Mom's humble cell phone

The past summer has been full of happening.  Many required constant attention, and time to write has diminished.  I will try to highlight what has happened with shorter entries.  Here's a short one:

In keeping my boys' writing skills up during the summer, I asked them to write a paragraph about my cell phone.  I told them to use vocabulary with punch.  Although they wrote independently, they both concluded their paragraphs, "Mom's flip phone sucks."  I don't like that last word, but it does have "punch".

I love my simple cell phone.  One charge lasts ten days.  It works on demand: I can make phone calls.  Tis a truly amazing device!  It does take photos, and I can play games and music on it.

Sometimes, "old school" is just fine!

Recipe For Success: Easy As Pie

Here's the basic recipe for mint chocolate chip pie!

Ryan enjoying a bite

1 package (8 oz) softened cream cheese
1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk
1/8 teaspoon mint extract
1 container (8 oz) nondairy whipped topping
1 bag of chocolate chips
1 package ready to use 8 inch pie crust


1.  Beat the cream cheese in a mixing bowl until fluffy, usually a couple minutes.  Gradually add sweetened condensed milk.  Continue to beat in mint extract.  Be careful to use a small of amount of mint extract as the mint extract can be strong.  Add more to preferred taste.

2.  Fold in whipped topping with rubber spatula.  Fold in chocolate chips.  Keep a few chips out if embellishment the top is desired.  Carefully spoon in pie crust.  Put in freezer until hardened, at least 8 hours.  Overnight is better.

3.  Remove from freezer about 5 minutes before serving.  Garnish with chocolate chips and mint leaves.

That's it.  Very simple.  No baking required.  I can decorate the pie to fit any occasion.  I sometimes use colored sprinkles, ie green for St. Patrick's Day or red for Valentines Day.  My only caution is that the pie can melt quickly depending on the weather.  Serve quickly after the initial few minutes out of the freezer. Any remaining pie can save in the freezer until the next time.  I have also put in the pie mix into individual cups, as seen in Ryan's picture.  The cups freeze, and my boys have a gluten free dessert!  My sons have been making this pie for years.  They still fight over the beaters and mixing bowl.  Good to the last drop!

Some variations:

To make 2 pies, I get a 16 oz container of whipped topping and 2 pie crusts.  Make as instructed, but substitute the 16 oz whipped topping for the 8 oz whipped topping.  Divide the mixture into the 2 pie crusts.  I do NOT double the entire recipe.  The mix is rich enough that the added whipped topping is fine.

I can substitute mint candies for the mint extract.  Simply put candies in a sealed plastic sandwich bag and crush.  (Parents might need to supervise youngsters.)  I use about 3-4 candies.  

Any flavored crust can be used.  Chocolate pie crusts add an extra dose of chocolate.

To make the caramel chocolate chip pie, substitute the caramel flavored sweetened condensed milk for the regular sweetened condensed milk. Omit the mint extract.

Gluten free pie crust option:

2 cups gluten free cereal
3 tablespoons melted butter
2 tablespoons sugar

Crush cereal in a plastic bag.  Add butter and sugar.  Shake.  Pat the mixture into a 8 or 9 inch pie pan. Bake at 400 degrees F for about 6 minutes.  Let cool.  Then add pie mixture.

Great Mistakes=YUM

Chocolate Chip Caramel Pie with some left over

Chocolate. Cream. Mint. Yum!

I was about 24 when I glanced saw a magazine cover touting easy to make pies.  So I purchased the magazine and sought the article.  I found a few promising recipes, and I knew I would try the mint chocolate chip pie first.  WIN!

This pie is so versatile.  I could decorate with fresh mint or chocolate chips, candy canes, sprinkles, or whatever the occasion demanded.  No one ever was disappointed.  This dessert always put a happy face on the most skeptical of picky eaters.  

Then came the gluten free diet.  I learned to make gluten free crusts or the boys by combining gluten free cereal and butter and mashing into a pie pan.  However, it became much easier to just put the filling in custard dishes.  My boys never complained except for when their dish became empty.

Thirty some years later, I know the recipe by memory.  I can pick the ingredients out blindly.  Or so I thought.  This time I made the mistake of purchasing caramel flavored sweetened condensed milk.  Who knew I had to watch out for that?  I knew about the fat free and low fat versions, but flavoring?

Chocolate.  Cream.  Caramel.  Hmm!!

I didn't notice my mistake until I got home.  I didn't want to go to the store to get a replacement.  So adventurous crowd that we are, we tried it.  And WIN.  My husband and I fought over the bowl.  Rich but not overly sweet.  

A couple years ago I arrived at my mom's house for Christmas without my mint chocolate chip pie.  Everyone was stunned.  My mom said that if I ever show up again without my pie, well, don't bother coming!!  She exclaimed, "You always make it.  It's understood. I didn't know we had to request it."  Well, I hope the same thing happening with this pie.  YUM!!

Now to teach my boys how to make it!

  

Courage To Try

My sons are my heroes.  Case study: Nick.

Nick has been invited to go ice skating tonight.  He accepted the invitation. Then he turned to me and asked, "What do I do?"

Nick has never been skating.  No ice skating, roller skating, or roller blading.  For most of his youth, we have focused on his general coordination and balance as well as sensory and tactile issues.  Nick was in first grade before he could tolerate shoes.  He was in fifth or sixth grade before he could wear long sleeve shirts or long pants without prior conditioning.  Nick had adaptive PE for most of grade school.  Physical and occupational therapies were weekly occurrences until high school.  Activities like skating were beyond what we ever thought Nick could do!

Today, Nick's big brother, Mike, has lent Nick roller blades.  I have spent the time finding how-to ice skate videos online and then implementing the concepts with roller blades.  No, they are not the same, but the idea of balance is similar.  For a kid who has not done any skating, this type of motion is unfathomable.  However, Nick will not be deterred.

We started on carpet.  Then we moved out to the patio.  I led him.  He tried alone.  He fell.  A few times.  Two hours later, he's moving on his own.  Not graceful, but independent.  He has taken one break, only because his little brother wanted to try.

Nick has put the skates back on and has been alone for about 30 minutes, just skating back and forth on the patio.  Well, more of pushing and pulling himself, but he's moving a bit better.  All within a few hours.

I can't believe he is so determined to learn so quickly, and go with peers to do something new.  He truly is courageous.  So many people fear failure and embarrassment.  Nick's desire to go out with friends and potentially have fun outweighs his concern of any negative outcome. That's courage!

Grandparents and Grandsons

Stuart, Ryan, Nick, Cam

Nothing like four boys to keep grandparents young!

Sherry and Tony, Mike's mom and husband, came to stay with our boys while we were in Alaska and California.  Although they are in their seventies, they kept our boys busy.  "Busy" didn't necessarily mean going places and doing things to keep the boys entertained.  It was more of keeping schedules and visiting.  Even Ryan and Stu came to visit frequently.  That is something that Ryan does not do much--visit with people.

Tony and Sherry

I don't know too many grandparents who would want to come and stay for two weeks with teenage boys, particularly with special needs.  To help Sherry out, I had a calendar written out for her to avoid guess work.  The boys and I completed the calendar the week prior as the regular, daily events unfolded.  I was amazed how much we forgot to write down at first.  Sherry constantly referred to that calendar to keep life smooth!

The boys were in constant motion between summer school, work schedules, and social outings.  They also had to cook when Grandma was not feeling too well.  Sherry informed me that they stepped up to the plate, literally, to make dinner. Games, movies, lunches out filled in whatever free time they had.

When Mike and I spoke to people on our trip, they asked if we worried about our boys.  I replied, "No! They are good kids, and they are in good hands!"

Thank you, Sherry and Tony.

photo credits:  Sherry

25th Anniversary Celebration

Today is our 25th anniversary.  Mike planned our ten day getaway.

In Alaska

We took a seven day cruise to Alaska.  We did things out of my comfort zone, and we had a wonderful time.

We then went to meet up with Mike's family in Northern CA.  We had a great time catching up with the extended family.  I showed pictures of our boys.  They hardly recognized our boys, as the boys are "all grown up".

Mike with siblings and Dad

We travelled onward to the wine country.  We did a few wine and food tastings.  Quite elegant.  And educational.  I need a few more (actually any lessons) cooking lessons on cooking and how to compare/contrast wines with foods.

We spent our 25th anniversary with just each other.  We had thoughts and discussions of doing the entire rendition of renewing vows and reception after.  We couldn't quite agree on that.  So we ended up spending the day with just each other.

Sheryl and Mike

That was perfect.

We have never been away from our kids this long.  They are older and are more independent.  The grandparents stepped in to oversee schedules.  I have some reassurance that our house won't burn down.

In the life of autism, this is paramount: to not forget the couple we are.  Husband and Wife.  As long as our relationship is intact, autism does not define who we are, although it is a part of our lives. We are happy, and our job is to make sure that our kids get what they need to do what they wish to pursue.  God willing, we will be blessed with more years of happy marriage, in which we support our boys.

Cheers!

Nick's Milestones

Much has happened in Nick's life.  In the last month, he went to prom.  He graduated.  He received a scholarship.  He attended a local college band camp.  Those are the good things. Some not so good things happened too, but I'll save those for another day.  Now is the time to celebrate.

Nick had a challenging year, and he met them head-on.  At the beginning of the academic year, his case manager stated that he was flunking Spanish II and had to be removed.  That happened on day 5 of the year.  Nick earned an A-.  A far cry from failing.

The next challenge was being told from his school counselor that he could not go straight to the local university.  Nick had some special needs classes that supposedly the university would not accept.  I called the university.  They wanted to see Nick's transcript.  I sent it.  They enthusiastically said that they would accept Nick.  His grades were fantastic, and his class ranking was high.  Why would they not want him?  Of course, there were other factors to consider, but based on the transcript, Nick was welcomed to attend.

The third challenge was Nick's new case manager stated that Nick's plan for a fifth year at the high school could not happen because he was on course to graduate.  Nick had been planning on taking a fifth year to work on communication and reading skills.  I had emails documenting this plan.  The IEP team had agreed each year, that this would be the best transition plan for Nick into adulthood.  The case manager totally changed the game plan.  She said the only way Nick could continue was to participate in a special ed class that was wayyyyy below his cognitive level.  Even the psychologist warned me.  We observed and visited the program, but ultimately nixed it, and insisted on our original plan, which the IEP team again approved.

Throughout the ordeals, Nick focused on his studies and his goals.  I told him we would get through the obstacles, but he could not dwell on it.  He had to learn that this will happen frequently in his life.  People will judge that he is not capable of something.  People, no matter how well intended, will underestimate him.  People will have preconceived notions.  They just don't know Nick.

Yes, Nick has autism.  However, autism does not define Nick.  Nick is Nick, and only Nick can determine who he is.  In my eyes, he is turning into a successful man.

Nick Asked A Girl To Prom

"I want to ask her.  I don't know what to say?" said the text.

"Will you go to prom with me?" was my reply.

So then I waited to hear from Nick.  Did he actually asked her? I wanted to text back, but I didn't want to put any more pressure on Nick.  The day passed with nothing more.

The next morning I found out he didn't ask her.  He would try again that day.  When I arrived home from work, I asked my husband if Nick had asked.  Mike nodded, "He wrote a note, but he didn't receive a reply."  I was on pins and needles.  I bet Nick was too.  The second day passed.

I made sure I was home from school when Nick arrived.  I asked how his day was.  "Fine," was all I received.  I could not wait, but I casually asked, "Did she respond?"

Nick hesitated.  "Yes."  Then he broke into a smile.  "She said she'd love to go to prom with me."

I think my heart had held its breath for the last two days.  All of a sudden, I felt a huge sigh escape, and my heart beamed.  

It's always difficult to see my son in social settings.  Communication is difficult as it is for any young adult with autism.  Throw in the dating scene.  What teen isn't nervous at some point about rejection?

Nick gathered the courage, and asked.  The payoff was worth the risk.  Now the planning begins for Prom!

Mom Gone, Boys Thrive

The boys survived the week without Mom.  I was in TX the entire week for training for a new job.  I was wary about leaving my family for so long, but they did just fine without me.  In their words:  Ryan said, "I am not dead."  Nick texted, "I am foog," which I think was mis-typed but auto-correct made it worse.  Then Cameron humorously commented, "The house burnt down, but other than that, I am fine."  Yes, I missed my boys.

So I arrived home, not looking forward to the laundry and grocery shopping.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Their laundry was done, folded, and in the process of being put away.  (I bet someone yelled, "Mom's home," and they ran to put clothes in their proper dressers.

Then I found the refrigerator about as full as I left it.  Plenty of vegetables and fruit.  My boys didn't look scrawny, nor did they complain of hunger.  What did they eat? I checked with my husband.  Mike confirmed that they ate, and ate well. Mike pointed out that Nick started dinner on Friday, scrambling up eggs.  So they consumed food all week.  Probably just not the veggies.  So I really did not have to do grocery shopping for them.

So no laundry and shopping.  Except for what I needed done.  My sons continue to surprise me at their adapting abilities.  It's one step closer to total independence for all of them.

That is GOOD.

Ryan's New Place

The realtor told us that there was a waiting list.  She encouraged Ryan to apply because she never knew when there would be an opening.  She could not tell us, an average, what the wait might be.  She encouraged Ryan to submit an application if he wanted to move sooner vs later.

When Ryan submitted his application a month later for an apartment, he was informed that there would be an opening at the beginning of the next month.  That was a lot sooner than we anticipated.  Ryan, his dad, and I agreed that Ryan would probably be more successful on his own if we had another year to refine several life skills.  A month to move out pushed our "schedule" up by 11 months.  However, Ryan agreed to take the apartment enthusiastically.

The month passed quickly.  We planned and focused.  What would Ryan need immediately?  What could wait?  What could he borrorw?  Could friends and family donate items?

Within the month Ryan asked if he could take an item, or he pointed out that we don't use that thing.  He slowly accumulated a few tools and pieces of furniture.

His moving day quickly arrived!

His idea of packing was very different than mine, but then again, he had never moved.  I showed him how to pack breakables, and the rest went as he saw fit.  We rented a truck, and the move was done with the help of his parents and brothers.

Since he didn't have much, it didn't take long to move and set up.  When all was done, he transformed a "tin can" into a home.  I was impressed.  His living room had more functional furniture than I did after a few yeas of being on my own.  His furniture actually looked nice as well.  Not too bad for a bunch of hand-me-downs.

Ryan enjoyed it all because this was HIS place.

My Precious Aunt Pearl

Uncle Bill, Aunt Pearl, Sheryl

Last summer I travelled with my mother to Michigan to see relatives.  I had concerns about how my kids would manage without me, but I needed to go see some special people, my Godparents.  Too many years had snuck by, and their health was not the best.  This trip would also give my kids an opportunity to learn how to manage without me.

My mom and I spent five days traversing her old stomping grounds.  We met up with a few of her siblings and spouses and my cousins.  Her oldest brother and spouse, my Uncle Bill and Aunt Pearl, are my God-parents.  I first remember meeting them on a cold December night, when we were visiting during Christmas vacation.  I never knew snow could be so cold, and I understood why my parents left the freezing temperatures of the Midwest for the mild weather of Southern California!

During that December trip, we stayed with my Uncle Bill and Aunt Pearl for about a week, not venturing out much because of the cold.  For entertainment, Aunt Pearl gave my sisters and me some tips to playing the organ (although we played the piano).  We also baked, cooked, played cards, and bunch of silly things to pass the time.  It was simple fun!

After that trip, I started writing my relatives frequently.  I sent photos and letters whenever a special event in my life occurred.  My cousin, Anne, was really the only one who responded with regularity, but she kept me apprised of all in her family.

So it's been over 40 years since the December trip, and now my mom and I visit the same people, albeit much older.  Time had changed our physical features, but the same spirit of spunk remained.  I spent some one-on-one time with my Aunt Pearl.  She was still spry and sharp--at times.  When she wasn't, she said something, probably in Hungarian so I wouldn't know that she probably said something she should not have.  Then she smiled and cursed her "forgetfulness" or "slowness" with renewed patience and grace.  She laughed heartily, and carried on.  We all knew her time on earth was limited, as is all of ours.

I remember her laugh from 40 years ago.  Nothing loud and annoying.  Just a hearty laugh.  It was truly an endearing exclamation of joy and happiness.

Last Friday I received a call, informing me of my Aunt Pearl's passing.  Her family had gathered at her side, and she passed quietly.  I pray she passed peacefully.

Dear Aunt Pearl, I hope the heavens are filled with the sound of your joyful laughter.  Love, Sheryl

Ryan Moving Out?!

Ever since Ryan was a baby, he wanted to be independent.  As soon as he learned to walk at nine months, he was in constant motion.  At ten months, he was running.  He wanted to be where he was not.  Wherever we travelled, he explored his environment with great speed and enthusiasm.

As a toddler, he played with his toys by himself mostly, but he did laugh and enjoy his older brothers' company.  I could hear him laugh with them.  He also loved to run with them.  He was a natural at distance running, which he had to be to keep up with the bigger boys.

As autism emerged, Ryan isolated himself into his own world.  I reflect back, and I surmise it was easier for him to exist.  He lost most of his speech.  At age four, he had command of 31 words, 15 of them were more akin to grumbles than real words.

Over the years we encouraged him and helped him learn to deal with our world.  He has grown into a young man of hidden talent, incredible imagination, and indisputable intelligence.  He can communicate well with anyone who asks him questions.  Most people would simply think he is a shy person.

He has wants and dreams like anyone else.  He craves to be recognized as an individual.  I respect his desire to move out and be responsible for himself.  Early this month we submitted an application for an apartment.  Pending that approval, there is an apartment vacancy coming at the end of the month that Ryan was offered.  Ryan enthusiastically accepted.  Ryan smiled.

Ryan's photo work

As a mom, my goal is to raise children who will move out and be their own persons as adults.  My love is to push them out the door, ultimately.  My two oldest sons have moved out, and I happily let them go, with a slight twinge of bittersweet pang.  With Ryan I have more concern and questions regarding his readiness to face the world alone.  However, I am reminded that every man must face the world.  Alone.  Autism or not.

While I may lurk in the background, that is all I can probably do--lurk.  I have to let him go.  He may fall, and I won't be able to kiss his cheek, wipe away a tear, and hug him.  I won't be able to reassure him and encourage him spontaneously.  He will have to find his way, make his own decisions, and reap his rewards or consequences.

It may be more of a difficult transition for me than Ryan, but he has become his own man!

Building More Than a Table

Five boys rough housing over the last twenty some years has taken a toll on the furniture. Consequently, we have ditched quite a bit of it. Replacement has been a great opportunity for the boys to work together.

Cameron is very mechanically minded, and he loves to figure out how to assemble things without looking at the directions.  Sometimes, that can be a disaster.   However,  Cam possesses a great skill because, quite often, the directions lack clarity. This was the case for the coffee table.  Cameron informed me the directions were useless; there were just a bunch of two dimensional pictures that were not well drawn.

Together, Nick and Cameron built the table, but with some complications. Nick managed to strip a screw.  Not a huge deal, but Nick was not thrilled that it was not right.  Cameron guided Nick, and Nick mastered it.  Despite autism, Nick is adapting.

What a win:  Cameron is learning teaching skills and patience, and Nick is learning how to build things.  They are refining communication skills too.

Now, we have a new table, just in time for the Superbowl Game today. I hope this table will survive the three remaining boys and their jousting!

The Value of Moms Night Out

The smiles of  moms

Last Thursday, my husband brought home a bottle of champagne to celebrate. I was surprised. My facial expression must have revealed my question of what was the mysterious event we were celebrating.  Mike answered, "It's Thursday, so we celebrate Thursday."

I smiled.  Why not?

Until I remembered that Moms Night Out (MNO) was that night.  I hesitated to bring it up to Mike, but I had emailed my RSVP almost a week prior. I had commented to Mike that one of the moms, who had moved out of town, was going to be at MNO. So I reminded Mike that it was MNO.  If he wanted, I'd call and back out.  He replied, "Absolutely not, especially since your friend from out of town will be there.  The bottle will wait til you get home."

So I went, and I am glad I did.  We had a wonderful turnout of about 17 mothers.  We represented many stages of motherhood.  The ages of our children varied; some had young children while others had teenagers, or a mix of both.  Some were pregnant, and one mom brought her five month old baby.

I knew about half of the moms, so I was introduced to the new faces.  Connections were quickly made. We spoke about many subjects.  Some topics were light and whimsical, and others pertinent and compelling. We shared experiences, insights, and prayer.  Multiple conversations occurred simultaneously, making the time slip by unnoticed.

During this time I was able to catch up with a mom whose son tutored my son with autism.  She told me that her son wrote about his tutoring experience with my son for an English class.  I never would have guessed that my son would be included in such an assignment! Anyways, connections like this are made via MNO, and they are important--to build trust and friendships.  These are vital, not just for moms, but for the offspring.  Having a son with autism, I am careful who I bring into his life.  These boys met through the boys club via the home schooling group.  What a great update I received!!

I arrived home, and the bottle of champagne was opened.  My husband greeted me with a glass and a smile.  I summarized the evening quickly, and then the time was ours to celebrate.  I thanked Mike for waiting for me.  He responded that he knew how much I gain from MNO--how important those friendships are to me.  He recognized how much I needed to get out of the house and connect with like-minded women.

I am thankful I have such an understanding husband who appreciates the value of MNO.

Photo credit:  Clare Willis